A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“A little help here, Danny?”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.