There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.