Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Teach your children to beatbox
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Finally
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.