do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Shower sex be like:
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad