Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*