You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.