Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.