Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it