This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator