It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Holy shit he’s back
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.