discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
want me to check your oil?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The Assassin.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…