Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
the simulation is moving too fast
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.