Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
when you order from DoorDastardly
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner