[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
BaD BoY!!
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.