That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.