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why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Hey! This isn’t my car!
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”