i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My dress code is business-casualty.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄