I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.