Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
*seductively eats two tums*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS