do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker