I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
You Might Also Like
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.