I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
😆this is so true
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.