Not all heroes wear capes….
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Reporter: *ports again*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.