DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
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I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.