How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
lmao
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.