I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned