[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Banana is the quietest snack
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Merry Christmas
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.