The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels