You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early