A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.