10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.