Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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Erm…
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn