[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.