“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Ok, but like, how married are you?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Just a bush.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops