me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!