I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.