[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.