The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I鈥檓 freaking out because I鈥檝e already served the guacamole.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’m being attacked 馃槶
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State 禄
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could鈥檝e ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?