I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.