I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Finally, an explanation.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.