Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
You Might Also Like
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
couldn’t resist
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???