guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
You Might Also Like
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too