i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Weirdly Wednesday.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded