i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
You Might Also Like
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.