I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.