[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
is this how new cars are made??
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.