Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Squirrels before girls.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Does this dress make me look cat?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.