On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there