You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
A sick whale is called an unwhale
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”