*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
wow he looks just like him
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.